How to write authentic wedding vows
Let me start by saying that if you are nervous about writing your wedding vows you are not alone! Writing anything personal can be hard, let alone reading that in front of a crowd of people on your wedding day!
So if you are nervous about getting it right, I am here to help take the pressure off the performance. Instead, I’ll help you focus on making these wedding vows feel 100% like you and your partner, because that’s what this is all about.
Why are wedding vows important?
While part of a tradition, wedding vows are way more than a step in your ceremony. Writing your own wedding vows gives you an opportunity to love and honor your partner in words. And even if words aren’t your strength, vows give you a chance to share your love for your partner exactly as only you can.
So that means that you get to make them personal, unique and yours. Think of it like writing a love letter to your partner; you get to say something funny, quirky, silly, emotional or serious to your partner to remind them how much you care about them.
Are wedding vows required?
Nope. And you don’t even have to say them in front of people! You are allowed to say your vows in private before the ceremony, in person before your wedding day even starts, or share your words to each other in other ways.
When should you write your wedding vows?
As a former writing teacher, I know that everyone writes differently. Maybe you are the type of person who works better under pressure, or the type of planner who wants to make multiple drafts before the big day. Regardless, I highly recommend doing some sort of brainstorming at least a month before your wedding day, and not waiting until the night before to write them.
If you are a procrastinator
Try keeping a note on your phone that you can jot down ideas and inspiration as it comes up. Maybe you heard a song lyric you loved, or saw a cute commercial on TV. Regardless, start saving things that make you laugh, smile or sigh. That way you’ll have somewhere to start when you begin writing.
If you are a planner
Try out multiple drafts. Sit and get all your thoughts down in your first draft, and then leave it for a few days before reading it again. When you read them later with fresh eyes, you’ll be able to pick out your favorite parts, and cut out the parts you don’t like. Try this a few times.
Get Started Writing your Vows
If you are ready to dive in but have no idea where to start, I’ve got a couple of really fun exercises that will get the creative juices flowing. So set aside 20 mins, pick out your favorite playlist (if you like to work to music), and sharpen your pencil.
Brainstorming Exercise: Free-Write to Music
For this writing exercise, there are only a few rules. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation, or even writing in complete sentences. All you have to do is keep writing, as long as the music is playing. Even if you are just describing your breakfast at first, or rewriting “I have no idea what to write about” just keep writing down words; putting the pen to paper will break writer's block and get the words moving.
Start with the first song.
When it begins, don’t think, just write. Even if the first words out don’t make any sense, stick with it. Start by writing about a funny memory you have together.
When the music changes (a chorus comes on, it slows down, speeds up, etc) change to the next topic:
write about the last challenge that you worked through together. Don’t think about it for longer than 30 seconds, just write about the first thing that comes into your mind. Describe it in detail, or lists of words.
Next, when a new song comes on…
switch to the next topic: your favorite quality of your partner. Don’t think, just start describing. (And if you end up describing body parts, try to connect that to an emotional or intellectual trait in your actual vows!)
Finally
Finally, in the next music shift or song change, talk about what you hope for the future. Where you want to go, what you want to see, etc. Again, don’t think, just react and write it down.
After you’ve written about each for as long as you can, stop the music. Grab a different colored pen, and read over your words, circling lines or phrases that stand out to you. These are your strongest moments from your free-flow, and great anchors to use when writing your vows.
Wedding Vow Tips
Since your love is so unique, there is no master template for writing vows. And if there were, would you want it anyway? Vows are a chance to make an authentic connection with your partner, and since no one loves like you do, no two vows are alike.
Words or Phrases to Include
I love the way you_________________.
I respect how you always _________________.
Even through you _________________, which drives me crazy, I will always _________________.
You are my _________________.
Without you, I’d be _________________.
I promise I will always _________________.
I want to honor you by ___________________.
I promise a life full of ___________, _____________, and ___________.
On tough days, I will always try to ___________________.
And no matter what, I vow to ___________________.
Can wedding vows be funny?
Absolutely. If humor is one of your love languages, add some of it in your vows! But remember, these should be written just for your partner; your job isn’t to make your guests laugh (leave that to the best man).
How long should vows be?
Because every couple is unique, this is totally up to you. I’ve seen couples read pages, and couples read just a few sentences. A general rule of them is 250-300 words, but basically, make sure you give yourself enough space to say what you feel.
What if I am nervous to say my vows?
Remember, practice makes comfort. So if you are nervous about reading your vows in front of an audience, make sure to practice reading them out loud. Recreating the event by standing, speaking out loud, and in the front of an empty room is scientifically proven to help reduce speaking anxiety. So just try to get comfortable; nothing needs to be perfect.
Wedding Vow Examples
From Bride magazine, these wedding vow examples will give you a taste of what others have done for their wedding days. Remember: use them for inspiration, but don’t copy someone else's vows! You and your partner are so unique and special, you deserve to have your own stories.
Vows from Her:
"Gabriel, you came into my life at exactly the right time: When I wasn't ready, and yet, when I needed your love the most. In the past two years, we've experienced great triumphs and literal disasters together. These trials have pushed the boundaries of what we thought we could endure, and in the end, I feel more strongly connected with you in a resolve to get up and try again. I love you dearly for all that you are. I am amazed by your inquisitive mind and tickled by your sense of humor. I may not want to admit it, but I even love your awful puns.
You have stuck by me through the best and worst and loved all that I am. You help me to be the finest version of me that I can.
As your wife, I promise to love you with the same determination and confidence you've given me. I vow to support you through more ups and downs. I pledge to commit myself to our family and the good I know will grow from it. I promise this all to you until I am no more." —Marissa
Vows from Him:
"Marissa, I love you with all my heart. I have been thankful for these past two years that you were not the best driver on that fateful day. Stopping in the middle of a busy 90/04 to see if everyone was okay, there I met the woman who is standing before me today. When we started dating, I gained a family, a woman who loves me, and an adorable whippet—both of whom I adore with all my heart. We have survived trials and tribulations, from Hurricane Irma to differing political views, we have pulled through. I promise to take care of you even when you get food poisoning on New Year's Eve. I promise I will unclog the shower even though only one of us has long hair. Marissa, I love you unconditionally and always will." —Gabriel
When are wedding vows read in a ceremony?
Vows are typically read before the exchanging of rings and the final pronouncement of marriage. Traditional marriages follow a similar structure of: entrance of groom, entrance of bride, officiant welcome or prayer, exchange of vows, exchange of rings, final thoughts, official pronouncement.
Official “ending” vows
Most traditional weddings end with a sort of official ending vow, that often include phrases like: “ I take you as my lawful husband/wife” “for better or worse” “for richer or poorer” “in sickness and in health” and “until death us do part”. If you are curious about traditional or religious wedding statements, check out each denomination's wedding scripts from Martha Stewart.
Finally, make it feel like you
At the end of the day, all that matters is that your partner feels your love. The more true to yourself and each other you can be, the more authentic, intimate and meaningful your vows will be. So don’t be afraid to color outside the lines here. Whatever feels the most like you, will feel the best on your wedding day.
